Dating with Chronic Illness (and What I’ve Learned)
Dating with Chronic Illness – A Thorny Topic
Dating with chronic illness is no easy, straightforward feat for either party. Questions like this are all over Quora and Reddit: “Would you date or marry a person with chronic illness?”. So I thought I’d share my perspective, as a person who’s chronically ill and disabled. Over the years, I’ve been in long-term, short-term and even long-distance relationships. I’ve also tried various dating apps, and met partners through friends. I much prefer the latter, but it does get harder the older you get!
P.s. The original version of this post was published on 26 February, 2017 (8 years ago!). More insights into dating, relationships, self-worth, disability and chronic illness have been added 🙂
*Disclaimer: This article is meant for educational purposes, and is based on my personal experiences as a patient. Whilst I have done my utmost to be meticulous in research, I am not a doctor, and nothing in this article should be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols. This post may also contain affiliate links. It will cost you nothing to click on them. I will get a small referral fee from purchases you make, which helps with the maintenance of this blog. Read our Privacy Policy page for more information. Thank you!
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Just Like Chronic Illness, Every Relationship is Unique
I’ve been fortunate enough to have had relationships with partners from extreme ends of the spectrum. It gives me insight into different perspectives, which enables me to identify and appreciate certain characteristics better. Their opinions about our future together were diverse, and so were their attitudes towards my daily health struggles. Before going further, I’d like to state that the purpose of this article isn’t to bash anyone at all. Everyone is entitled to how they want to live their lives, and who they want to do that with, for better or for worse.
Partners Who Saw My Chronic Illnesses as a Liability
My first relationship was with a guy whose greatest desire was to start a family of his own, and it troubled him that I never seemed to get better. He did not like the open-ended, variable timetable of my chronic illnesses. Neither did he want to start with a ‘deficit’ before even trying for a child.
I underwent a few surgeries whilst we were dating, and he felt tormented that he could do ‘nothing’ to make it better. Yet, he never provided any emotional support, and would often bail out on the bad days. I ended up having to be stronger for him, because ‘it was difficult for him too’. I would always give in to him, because I thought that I had less rights to my own opinions. It was already a burden for someone to be with me, what more could I ask for?
Dates Who Tried, Then Ran
I’ve also dated men who were willing to try things out for a couple dates, but who were constantly analysing my limits. This isn’t too fair in my opinion for several reasons. First, I have good and bad days, and you might be seeing me during a bad week. Second, and this is applicable to healthy individuals, too – it takes a bit of time to truly know who a person is, both the good and bad. Third, their assessment of my capabilities is usually inaccurate, because it tends to be biased. Unfortunately, when you’re chronically ill or disabled, people tend to hyperfocus on the limitations and judge you more keenly and immediately.
Then there are those dates where they see me arrive with a walking stick on a bad day. We have a short, polite chat, before they run for the hills and hide themselves behind a wall of silence. Whilst this feels unpleasant, I have learned to accept that it’s all part of the dating game, sick or otherwise.
Divorced Partners are Not Necessarily More “Chill”
There was a period of time I said to myself, “well, let’s wait for all the married men to get divorced. They should be wiser and more open-minded now, and realise that there’s more to a relationship than chronic illness”.
This turned out to be false. I obviously can’t speak for all divorced men, but the ones I have personally interacted with were fairly extreme. They were either paranoid (“you haven’t replied to my message in 24 hours, even though there are two blue ticks!”), or fixated on a certain ideal (hyperfocused on a singular quality, to the exclusion of all other qualities). Chronic illnesses still bothered most of them. Divorced men are not necessarily wiser than an unmarried person. They are still human, with strengths and flaws alike.
Partners Who Were Accepting of My Chronic Illnesses
My next partner always saw the future in a hopeful light, and went with the flow of life. For example, he believes that healthcare and medicine can only improve as more scientific advances are being made. He saw me at my worst, yet never once treated me as a lesser human being.
I know for sure that life will never be easy with me, yet it was a non-issue to him. He claims that there is nothing wrong with me at all, and that I didn’t affect his lifestyle. Another revelatory phrase he made was that every relationship has its own set of problems anyway, whether the partners were sick or healthy. (You can read more brilliant utterances about relationships he made in this post.)
I found that I grew with him as a person, because of his support to the very end. He never undermined any desire I had for education, which comes in many forms. Apart from the intellect, it also consists of life skills, hobbies, and most importantly, self-awareness.
Mental and invisible health issues are often seen as suspicious in the eyes of the public, but I never felt stigmatised by him. I could display my psychological and physical pains at the level of torture that they were truly at. That brought so much relief – just to have someone who believes you, and who never belittles the impact your experiences have on you.
Whilst we have broken up, we are still friends, and I visit him and his family every Christmas. I am genuinely happy for him, because I believe people like him truly deserve the best that life has to offer.
The Most Important Thing I’ve Learned from Dating with Chronic Illness
If there’s one I’ve learned over the years from dating as a person with chronic illness, it is to have some respect for myself. If I were dating someone who treated me with contempt, resentment or blame, then I – a person with chronic illness and disability – would leave them.
With age, experience and the freedom I have had to grow, I’ve learned that I am worth just as much as any other person out there. So what if my illnesses are permanent? There is only one me amongst the billions of us on this planet, and we are all worth something in that regard.
In fact, an aura of quiet self-confidence and knowing your inherent self-worth can be attractive traits to potential partners. You are as deserving of love as any other human being; we are all part of the same world, and return to dust just the same.
“I’ve learned that I am worth just as much as any other person out there..There is only one me amongst the billions of us on this planet, and we are all worth something in that regard.” #SelfWorth #ChronicIllness #disability #relationships
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All Human Beings Need a Little Help to Get by in Life
There is no doubt that a person with chronic illness will need more help than someone who is healthy just to get by. Many situations might test your patience, question your love and flirt with your morality. In modern day culture, independence is a revered trait, and we like to think that we are independent beings.
But that is not how humanity has thrived over the centuries. We are social creatures built for community. It is an important aspect of social well-being. Yes, even introverts need a touch of human connection every now and then, in order to thrive.
And no human being is truly independent, anyway; just cut off their oxygen supply for a minute. We all depend on something to survive and thrive – a relationship with a chronically ill or disabled person also has the potential to help you develop as a person, and to live a fulfilling life ultimately. Perhaps even more so, because it will force you to reflect on your priorities, purpose and goals in life more than you would otherwise.
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How Chronic Illness & Disability has Influenced the Way I Approach Romantic Relationships
To be honest, after having faced several life-and-death situations, I’ve become more stoical than I already was to begin with. Acceptance took me years to grasp, and I often need to learn to accept a new diagnosis all over again. However, I will vouch that it is the best coping tool and strategy that has enabled me to live my life, despite chronic illness. And if we’re being completely honest here, I am still grieving the loss of function in my knees. Grief and acceptance are two sides of the same coin; they come and go like visitors, and are not linear processes.
I actually adopt this mindset of acceptance when I approach relationships and dating with chronic illness as well. “Whatever will be, will be”, “que Será, Será”. For example, I never worry if my partner is going to cheat on me. If they do, then I will just up and leave – obviously it wasn’t meant to be.
Interestingly, this bothered a boyfriend, as he assumed that it meant that I didn’t like him enough to care. However, I’ve dealt with way more harrowing experiences, so I consider many everyday problems as trivial. You could say that it’s a bit like scar tissue – tougher, but less sensitive, which can be both a good and bad thing.
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Other Insights I’ve Gained from Dating with Chronic Illness & Disability
Whilst it is true that anyone can become disabled at any time, this fact doesn’t sink into healthy people’s brains regardless. I can’t blame them for that, as the devastation of chronic illness and disability is impossible to grasp, unless you live that reality yourself. Humans are also wired for self-preservation. This means that they instinctively avoid things that may contribute towards the eradication of their lives or legacies.
If I’m going to be logical, health is wealth. Who doesn’t want to be healthy? So yes, we are starting out with a deficit in life. However there is an extremely fine line between worth1 and worth2 that people often confuse. What do I mean by that? This statement from Positive Psychology helps to clarify it a little:
“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.”
In brief, people often confuse self-worth – where every human being is inherently valuable, and deserving of love and respect – with material or tangible value. It’s an issue of feeling secure or insecure. In a ‘modern’, capitalist era, it’s not that much of a shocker either, as we’ve been exposed to such ideals from our childhoods, and our parents may have even placed an emphasis on it.
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My Best Tips for Dating with Chronic Illness
The communication style, character, values, sense of humour and lifestyle of all the people I’ve dated were vastly different. So it’s been an interesting, though admittedly exhausting, ride thus far.
I also broke both my knees fairly recently, no thanks to Lupus and long-term steroid treatment, plus developed yet more chronic diseases. These unasked for additions have definitely made dating much harder, as my disabilities become more and more apparent. Sure, rejection from being chronically ill and disabled stings, but it’s also for the best. I would be walking on eggshells, if I were with a partner whom I had to constantly prove and pretend I was healthy to.
Dating Tips for the Chronically Ill & Disabled
Here are a few of my personal golden rules, when it comes to dating with chronic illness and disability. Your list might look different, based on your own comorbidities, life experiences and personality.
- Have some self-respect. If a potential partner disrespects you in any way, leave. It’s better to be single than with someone who doesn’t treat you right. This will only compound problems in your life, such as mental health issues.
Be open-minded and explore. Yes it’s true – the more nets you cast, the more fish you get. This strategy definitely doesn’t work for everyone, due to a myriad of reasons, such as limited energy, religious beliefs, etc. But I believe in trying things out.
I mean, it’s just one date over coffee or dinner. At worst, you waste some time and discover that you’re incompatible. The reasons may not even be related to chronic illness – it happens to regular people, too. At best, you find your special person. Whilst I’m not an extrovert, I take it as an opportunity to socialise. I also believe that I can learn something from every person I meet – even from the bad dates. In that sense, there is no loss.
- Do they offer to pay for the first date? I am definitely not looking for a free meal and will refuse the offer, but this simple act of generosity tells me a few things. Basically, if they can’t even be generous financially, which is arguably the easiest, then how generous can they be with other more important or ‘difficult’ aspects of life, such as quality time, medical emergencies, or if you had kids?
- Just be yourself. In the wise words of Dave Grohl, “No one is you and that is your biggest power”. You might be surprised who falls in love with you – the real you. In the mess and glory of your full humanity. Even Joker has his Harley Quinn, so that gives me hope.
“In the wise words of Dave Grohl, “No one is you and that is your biggest power”. You might be surprised who falls in love with you – the real you. In the mess and glory of your full #humanity.” #spoonie #ChronicIllness #disability #dating
Share on X - Know that you will face rejection, and be okay with that. Whilst we might face more romantic rejections than an abled individual, there is an upside to that as well – we only get to be with the best sorts of people on this planet. In that sense, chronic illness is an automatic filter that sifts out the bad eggs.
- Know your self-worth. It is also important to be aware of your self-worth at all times – whether you’re single or in a relationship. Ironically, it was chronic illness that forced me to hone this awareness through acceptance. Self-acceptance isn’t an admission of failure; rather, it asks us to put our ego aside in order to unlock possibilities, be at peace, and regain a sense of freedom.
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Dating Tips & Insights for Potential Partners
So, someone interesting has caught your eye. You think that they may be your ‘type’ of person. The ‘problem’? They have a long-term illness or disability. This section addresses some questions you may have, but are unsure who to ask, or if it’s appropriate to ask. I will try to be as unbiased as I possibly can.
- Understand that there is no perfect partner or relationship. Every single person brings a new dynamic to a relationship. There are pros and cons to each dynamic. Decide what matters most to you most.
“There is no #perfect partner or #relationship. Every single person brings a new dynamic to a relationship. There are pros and cons to each dynamic. Decide what matters most to you most.” #DatingTips #ChronicIllness #RelationshipGoals
Share on X - Don’t ghost. What’s up with ghosting these days? This is my number one pet peeve when it comes to dating in general. If you decide that it’s not going to work out, do the courtesy of letting the other party know, so they get some closure. Why lead someone on before disappearing into the ether?
Shift your perspective. Something interesting my ex-turned-boyfriend-again said to me: “Your chronic illnesses have some advantages, too. It enables me to have my own space, alone time, and time for other friends”.
I’m always happy to oblige because it means I get some me-time as well, without feeling pressured to do ‘coupley things’. Don’t get me wrong. Coupley things are important, as they generate memories and build bonds. But as a person with chronic pain and fatigue, my energy bar is limited, and I need more downtime than others.
Another caveat – said boyfriend is older now, so he’s seeking different experiences in life as well. Age does play a part to an extent. In a sense, his body has ‘caught up’ a little with mine. Whilst he’s definitely still a social creature, he also appreciates time at home a little more now. So we watch films and play chess at home, and go out for the occasional brunch, party or exhibit.
Conclusion to Dating with Chronic Illness
This article is a sum of my experiences in regards to dating with chronic illness and disability thus far, but the story hasn’t ended yet. (Does it ever end, really?) I am still learning as I go along, and will add to this post should I gain any other insights.
I would also love to hear about your experiences in regards to dating with chronic illness or disability. What were your best and worst experiences, and why? If you’re happily married, how do you make it work? I would love to learn more from you as well!
And finally, if you’re an able-bodied individual, I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions and concerns as well. You can post an anonymous comment if that makes you feel more comfortable. I promise to be as open-minded and non-judgemental as I can. I believe in open, proactive discussion, as opposed to allowing misconceptions or fears to fester in the dark closet of your mind.
Happy dating to one and all – I hope you find your special person ♥️
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